High School Mistakes Make You You

This weekend I went to three grad parties. For a girl who graduated last year, I thought that was a lot. After leaving the one today, I had this weird feeling in my stomach. I felt unhappy, uneasy, and just not right. Don't get me wrong I was so happy to see old friends from high school, but as they started talking about next year I instantly left out. I don't want to be back in high school, and I love who I am now, but I felt this weird FOMO. People then started leaving this grad party to go to another one for a girl who I was friends with but not invited to. I thought back to the junior year when we were really good friends, and senior year when we got in a fight because I was jealous of her. I wondered if we were ever meant to be friends? Was I the only reason we friend broke up? Was it gonna happen anyway? I started to feel guilty.

On the car ride back I started thinking more about high school. All of the things I said and shouldn't have, all of the friends I lost, the boys I never told I liked, the times I felt left out because I wasn't cool enough, and all the other mistakes I made. I started thinking about what I would do differently and then realized that it was a waste of time. Why bother worrying about the past when I am living in the present and all I have ahead of me is the future?

I almost wanted to go back to 14-year-old Gracie and tell her everything I know now. Tell her who to talk to and who not to. Who would hurt me and how to avoid them? What feelings I should have kept to myself and what ones I should have expressed. How different my life would have been if I had just hung out with different people and got involved in theatre earlier and never joined the dance team and taken honors chemistry instead of regular because I was going to be bored in class.

But then I started thinking who I would be if I had never tried out for the dance team, if I had never been friends with the girls who hurt me. How if I wasn't jealous of my friend my life would be different, but why do I want my life to be different? I really like where I am now, and I'm not sure I would have gotten there if I hadn't made these mistakes. I learned why kind of people I get along with and who to avoid, I learned that I like musical theatre, and that I am a leader. I learned a lot about who I am and who I want to be, and my mistakes made me who I am today.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is don't beat yourself up for the things you did in the past. There's nothing you can do to change it, and it brought you to where you are today. And if you don't love where you are today, that's ok. You are on the right path, and the mistakes you will make (sorry to break it to you but the mistakes aren't over) are only leading us to where we belong. I strongly believe that High School teaches you much more than chemistry and algebra. While you do learn stuff like that, you also gain social skills, learn how to be a leader, how to survive in a society, and learn how to learn. You learn about who you are and who you want to be. So do me a favor, thank 14 year old you for all the stupid things she did. Don't beat her up because she is young and didn't know what you know now.

xoxo,

Gracie